Anya: Forever Missed
by fanciefingers
Summary: Anya's dead, and Xander's just trying to live without her. But that's not a merry peice of chocolate cake.
1. The First Shock

Xander walked down the dusty road. He felt like two people. On the one hand, he was close to being giddy, hey, maybe he was giddy. Buffy had accomplished the impossible. She'd smacked down the oldest evil in the world, and it was possible for her to retire, and just be a twenty-one year- old woman. But in the palm of the other hand, he'd just learned that the one woman he'd ever loved had just died. He could just imagine her bouncy, blonde-brown hair, smelling the way it did, tickling his nose. He could see her shiny, red lips, spinning sarcastic remarks, and her perky brown eyes looking upon him. But it was just a fragment of his imagination.  
"Are you okay?" A hand had fell on his shoulder. Buffy's big eyes looked up at him. He sighed.  
"Yes and no." His fun exterior was gone. This frightened even him. No bad jokes, no happy smiles. "I just need space."  
She nodded and walked over to her friends. Xander sat down by the side of the dusty road, staring out at the bare landscape. He had sucked it up in front of Andrew, but now his nose burned and he felt the tears coming down. They fell from his eyes, clearing the dirt and blood from his cheeks.  
'No, burly men don't cry. Buck up. Oh, who am I kidding?' Xander thought. His face fell into his hands. He stayed there a while, just wallowing in his own sorrow, and continued to do so the whole trip to San Francisco.  
  
A small crowd gathered under an unusually gray sky. All dressed in black they surrounded the tombstone. The crowd was made up of a variety of people. There were teenage girls who had known Anya, Buffy, Willow, Dawn, Giles, Faith and Andrew also stood. There was also a variety of demons from her old fold. Xander looked down at the fresh grave. The grass hadn't grown to normal length yet. The tumbling voice of the minister stopped. They all stood for a while, but eventually everyone left. Everyone that is, except for the home team.  
"It's getting late." Buffy's voice was a whisper. Xander nodded.  
"You guys go back to the hotel. I'm going to stay a while." They all turned, without saying a word. They didn't feel they needed to.  
Xander stood by the grave for an hour, remembering happier times. He stood up, it was getting late. But before he left, he dropped a single rose on the grave. 


	2. Drinking Away the Blues

"Do you think he's going to be alright?" Buffy asked. She and Dawn were packing up their things. They were leaving for Europe in a few days.  
"He'll be fine. After a while. I think. I mean, he can't wallow in a black pit of horror forever can he? Well, sure, he lost the love of his young life, and I miss Anya too, but he has to get over it, right?" Willow was rubbing her hands together nervously. Dawn stacked her bag by the ugly, worn hotel chair.  
"Yeah, he should. But it'll be a long and perilous road. On top of that, we're leaving him right now," Buffy said, "That can't help."  
Dawn sat in the ugly chair. "I wonder where he is."  
  
Xander found himself sitting in a small, black bar. The air smelled like smoke, alcohol, and old wallpaper. He stared into his foamy glass of beer.  
"You look lonely." A pretty redhead sat next to him. He looked up at her with sad eyes. Maybe it was the beer, but he would have sworn it was Anya sitting there instead. He shook the image away and the redhead returned.  
"You know, I am. I really am."  
"Well, me too. So maybe we could be, you know, alone together." She smiled, showing her dimples.  
"Alright." He didn't know what he just said. Xander didn't actually feel for her, he was just, like he said, lonely. It just felt like he was being burned from the inside out. Xander closed his eyes and leaned toward her and kissed her.  
"Xander?" a voice rang out behind him. "Get off her." Faith stood behind the pair.  
"Who are you?" the redhead asked rather rudely.  
Faith rolled her heavily-lined eyes. "I'm his girlfriend," she lied.  
The other girl's eyes bulged. "Oooh, I see you two have problems. I'll be leaving now." She slinked away with red cheeks.  
Faith punched Xander on the arm. "What the Hell was that? Kissing some slut in a bar, where you're drinking your troubles away?" Her hard exterior melted. "I'm sorry, Xand, I know this is hard for you, but a ten dollar ho from a bar isn't going to replace Anya. Nothing will. But maybe eventually, you'll meet someone." He looked at her with a raised eyebrow.  
"Thanks, sort of." He chugged his beer.  
"I'm sorry, I'm not good at pep talks." She patted him on the back, "C'mon, I'll buy the next round." She signaled two fingers to the bar tender. They grabbed the beers and clinked them together.  
"I just miss her so much," he said. The tears started falling again.  
"Okay big guy, no more beer for you." She pushed the beer away. She finished her drink and stood up. I'm taking you to the hotel." She helped him up.  
"Faith." he mumbled. She turned her head towards him and ran right into Xander's kiss. Faith pushed him away.  
"Xander, I can't." She pushed her dark hair out of his face.  
"But it's happened before." Almost four years ago, Xander had lost his virginity to Faith. But now, she was a different person. She had realized her wrongs and served (almost) all her time in prison.  
"Xander, I know you're hurting, but this isn't the way. Just live in this world, it'll get better."  
"We can be together."  
"No, we can't. You know I don't feel that way about you and the same goes for you. Plus, I'm actually on the verge of something with Robin." She frowned at him and gave him a hug. "Let's get you to the hotel."  
  
"Faith? What happened to him?" Buffy stared at the big, slouchy, mess that was her friend Xander.  
"Oh, about two and a half beers. The man can't hold his drinks." The two Slayers dumped him on the couch. He fell soundly asleep.  
"He's coming undone without her," Buffy noted, "I thought he was over her."  
"Not over her death." Faith threw a blanket over him.  
"Yeah, I think part of him will always love her." The blonde put a pillow under his head.  
Faith noted all the bags were packed and in neat little stacks. "So, Europe, that's gotta be, uh, neat."  
"Yeah."  
"How long are you going to be there?"  
"I don't know yet."  
"Yeah, I'd better be going now."  
"Okay."  
"Just drag him into his own room later."  
"'Kay."  
"Bye."  
"Bye." With that, Faith left. There was still tension between the two Slayers. Faith still thought that Buffy would think she'd turn on her.  
"Mmmuffy?" Xander groaned from the couch. Buffy knelt next to him.  
"What is it?" She looked down on him.  
"Am I ever going to meet someone else?"  
"Of course you will." She swept the hair out of his face.  
"Just checking." He fell face down on the couch again. 


	3. Parting Ways

A few days later, Xander found himself feeling very much alone. He was sitting in the room of the hotel that they served their complimentary breakfast. He was waiting for everyone to come down. Slowly, they all assembled.  
"So today's the day?" Xander asked gloomily. That seemed to be the mutual feeling.  
"Yep." Buffy had her bags with her. Dawn sat quietly beside her.  
"Seems so." Giles had packed his car already.  
"Uh-huh." Faith had a small backpack with her.  
Willow couldn't say anything. Kennedy hugged her. They were leaving to see Kennedy's parents.  
"So, Andrew left already?" Dawn asked.  
"Last night. He's gone to find his family," Xander said.  
"We'd all better leave for the airport." Buffy picked up her bags. They all stood up and walked toward the door.  
No matter which car or bus they took they got to the airport. Giles was the first to go. He hugged Willow, but Faith didn't give him the chance. Giles had a strong, manly handshake for Xander, but it ended in a hug as well. He felt so bad for leaving them for the third time, but he missed the Mother Country.  
Buffy and Dawn said their good-byes too, as they were on the same plane as Giles. Xander, Willow, Kennedy and Faith watched their plane take off.  
"Well, I'd better be heading off too," Faith announced. She grabbed her bag and threw it on her back. "Willow, it's been fun. Xander, know how much alcohol you can hold."  
Xander was confused. Faith didn't say where she was going. "Where are you going, Faith?"  
"I'll decide at the bus depot," she said without even turning around.  
"I guess you're leaving, too, huh?" Xander was facing Willow and Kennedy.  
"Yeah, but it's just a visit. I'll find you when it's time." She hugged him real hard. "I wouldn't leave you forever, you're my best friend."  
"I love you, Will."  
"You too," Willow said as she broke the hug.  
Xander addressed Kennedy. "You take care of her, alright Slayer?" Xander liked calling the Slayers that. It made it feel so much more real. The idea that Buffy could have a normal life was real.  
Kennedy nodded. "I will, Xander." He watched them go into a rented car and drive away. Willow was waving from the driver's seat. He waved back, but his hand felt limp. Xander looked around himself. He was all alone.  
  
Xander slept in his not soft, lumpy, hotel bed. He wasn't able to sleep a good, deep sleep. He could only doze. It had been like this for the last few days. He started to doze, losing himself in a dream.  
  
He and Anya were in a field of wildflowers, eating a picnic lunch.  
"Xander?" Anya asked. Suddenly, the flowers, grass, trees and even the clouds catch on fire. Xander is pulled back further and further from this scene. The fires engulf Anya. He could hear her shriek.  
"ANYA!!!" Xander screamed. The fires die and Xander rushes toward her. She's not burned, but she is dying. "Anya, stay with me. I'm not going to lose you again," he begs.  
"Don't worry, Xander. It is and was my time. I love you, and there's nothing you could have done. Anyways, I died a noble death, fighting for the world. I've gone to Heaven. I love you, now and always."  
Xander held her face. "I love you, too."  
  
Xander sat straight up. He lived the dream over and over in his head, hearing Anya scream, the fire, and of course, what she had told him. Somehow, this helped him. His burden seemed lighter and livable. He knew that he would always love and miss Anya, but he knew, not thought, knew that she was in a better place. Her words would forever ring in his ears:  
  
I love you, now and always.  
  
THE END 


End file.
